Friday, February 20, 2009

A Simple Guy

What do I do?

How about I beat your head in, give you a demonstration, huh? You're lucky I'm feelin' merciful or you'd just be a red smear on the wall. And if the town guard think they can catch me then they don't know me any better than you do. See, I run. That's it. To hear some of these other fellas go on you'd think you'd need fifteen suits of armor and a lifetime sitting in a tower with your nose stuck up a book's ass to get anything done. B.S. All you really need is your own two feet and a good pole to smack some sense into the world. Simple.
But that's just it. I'm a simple guy. I know what I want and I go for it. And boy do I go. Zoom! Hah! You couldn't catch me with an arrow. And any idiot gets in my way, I put the hurt on them. Hit 'em 'till they stop moving. Never let them catch up.

There are hundreds of reasons why D&D 3.0 is better than 3.5
There are thousands of reasons why it's better than 4th edition
At least 90% of these reasons involve the Boots of Striding and Springing. Less expensive than the cheapest magic weapon, these boots are (without a doubt) the goddamn best magic item ever. Why? They double your speed. If this fails to wow you, then you need to read up on the three fundamental laws of Dungeons and Dragons:

1) Wisdom is worthless.
2) Chaotic Good is a wussy alignment.
3) Formians always win in the end.
4) Speed is more important than anything else.

EDIT: The three fundamental laws are actually four in number. This is one of the great mysteries of life.

Knowing these laws, it's no wonder I never make a character without the Boots. But Sneer, one of my more recent characters, has put this footwear to greater use than I would have thought possible. Sneer is an acrobat (a base class from City Works, a D&D supplement I heartily reccomend for DMs for although it uses 3rd edition rules the content about city construction is edition neutral so it will work just as well for you 4th-ed types). Sneer's acrobat-hood means that... Well, I don't need to tell you. After all, you just heard from him!

See, I run.

And boy does he. Acrobats make all other (i.e. slower i.e. worse) classes obsolete.

If Sneer sounded a bit like the Scout from TF2, it's 'cause they're very similar. Looking back over that passage at the top of this article, I keep expecting to see a "bonk" or two. Sneer's actually become slightly less of an asshole and more of an erratic coward over time, partially because I want to distance him from any Scouty influences. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I'm probably going to retire (or kill off) Sneer soon in favor of one of my many other character ideas. You know, the obsolete ones.

And oddly enough, despite his immense speed, the Scout is my third least-played class (out of nine). Go figure.

1 comment:

  1. Just no. If you're going to make claims about fundamental d&d laws, at least explain WHY they're fundamental laws; why they're always true.

    Also, if speed is the most desirable trait, high-level arcane and spellcasters are the best. Time Stop is as fast as you get.


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