Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The First Step In Beating Werewolves

I assume that all (or at least most) of you have seen the third Harry Potter movie. Now, according to "page three-hundred and ninety-four", Werewolves come out every full moon. Ha! We should be so lucky. No, werewolves can change into a wolf during any moonlit night. They are only FORCED to change during full moons, but most werewolves change every night. It's sort of like an addiction. You know, like some kind of perverted “wolf-crack.”

“But why would they do such things?” I hear you ask. And if I don’t hear you asking about werewolves, then you’re already as good as dead. I wish you luck. For those of us who wish to protect our essential right of life from these nocturnal lupine menaces, knowledge is essential.
Werewolves love the company of humans. Why? No-one is quite sure. Some speculate that this is because they were once human themselves, and long to shed their monstrous affliction. These people are wrong – DEAD wrong. All we can be sure of is that werewolves feel no guilt in their actions. They are not plucky antiheroes, maligned by society and forced to wander as outcasts; they are brutal animals, loners not by force but by choice. To werewolves, we are but another link in the food chain – a frail and easily subdued link. Like a sausage.
But I digress.
As I was saying, to werewolves, we are prey and they are our predators. The primal thrill of the hunt appeals greatly to these monstrosities, but they are usually smart enough to kill only one a month. Unlike many mammals, werewolves seldom need to eat, and can go for almost three months without food. Some scholars have speculated that they are in fact more closely related to reptiles/fish. The absence of gills/scales and the presence of hair tend to argue against this conclusion. But then, some dinosaurs had feathers, which are essentially hair, and look at them. If they were still around today, the human race would be in grave peril. Not that we aren’t. Werewolves have seen to that.

The worst thing about werewolves is not that they have giant claws and fangs, blend in perfectly with human society, can run at the speed of a horse, are utterly merciless, and can strike without warning. The worst thing is that they cannot be stopped by normal means. The tried-and-true method of the angry mob that has served us so well against the likes of zombies, golems, cave-people, ape-men, and widowed landowners who keep to themselves will not work. But do not despair, for werewolves DO have several weaknesses.
1. They can be spotted, with practice. Werewolves greatly prefer physical activities and other such pastimes that let them apply their natural strengths. They are generally highly arrogant and disdain all forms of technology. And I mean all forms. Werewolves generally prefer to walk than trust anything with wheels, and will rarely be found around such advanced things as trains and aircraft.
2. The transformation from human to wolf-form takes, on average, thirty-five seconds. Also, the instant the moon stops shining on them, they turn into a human. So, if you see someone turning into a werewolf, don't just stand there screaming. Run for the nearest moon-free area.
3. When werewolves are in human form, they are vulnerable to all things humans are, though they are extremely durable and have been known to survive all manner of what would be fatal incidents.

When in wolf form, very few things can harm them. And once the chase has started, werewolves will not stop until repelled or dead.
However, there are several ways to arrange for that happy circumstance:
• Silver: Silver is the most commonly known way to slay werewolves. Werewolf hunters throughout history have been known for using silver bullets (or daggers back in the good old days) to slay their quarry. Werewolf hunters throughout history have also been known for firing one shot at a wolf-creature, then getting ripped to shreds, shocked that their feeble attempt did not kill it. Use sense, people! Of course ONE bullet won’t kill a towering pillar of muscle, claws, and teeth! Plug it FULL of silver! Aim for the head! Don’t be stingy when dishing out silvered death! And don’t try to kill it with a silver spoon or anything like that. That couldn’t even kill a baby.
• Plants: Believe it or not, some plants can hurt werewolves. Poison ivy, poison oak, and nettles will agonize them, and can even slay them in great (if impractical) quantities. Cactus needles, thorns, sticker burrs, and other such spiny plants annoy werewolves and cause them minor pain. They can be used as distractions. Mistletoe will sometimes (about half of the time) repel them. Don’t count on it. Weapons made of mistletoe can be fatal to werewolves, so long as they would kill a human as well.
• Mercury: Mercury is death to werewolves. It melts their skin on contact, and is the ultimate weapon when fighting them. Always keep some handy.
• Venom: Venom from snakes and stinging insects hurts werewolves and forces them to return to human form. Ever wonder why beekeepers seldom fall victim to werewolf attacks? Now you know.

If you are bitten by a werewolf and are not devoured in a gruesome feast, you will turn into a werewolf in less than a week – a far worse fate – unless you do one of the following:
• Bathe in/swallow mercury.
• Eat mistletoe
• Coat yourself in poison oak/ivy or nettles. Don’t wash it off.
• Eat poison oak/ivy or nettles. (This might actually be worse than turning into a werewolf, and is not recommended. Ever.)
• Inject yourself with venom.
• Wear lots and lots of silver.

If none of the above is possible, suicide is recommended. It is better than becoming an abomination.
Also, the above methods are those for fighting single werewolves. Should you encounter a group of werewolves without easy access to a tub of mercury or a moonless spot, you’re screwed. Try to take at least one with you.

If you have read this, and you care about the well-being of your friends and family, alert them. Tell everyone you know. The first step in beating werewolves is knowing how to beat them. The second step is killing the bastards where they stand. Help humanity. Spread the word.

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