Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Vampires - A Beginner's Guide

Due to the encouraging feedback from my informative note on werewolves (2 concerned expressions, 1 doubting of my methods, 1 idiot assertion about the nature of werewolves – completely wrong of course, 1 befuddled question, 1 statement of apathy, 1 confession of lycanthropy, and 1 personal attack), I have decided to continue enlightening the populace, whether or not they deserve it.

This time, I intend to attack one of the greatest myths in all of monster-hunting – vampires. That’s right. I said myth. Throughout the ages, stories regarding vampires have been twisted by hateful souls, and perhaps the vampires themselves.

Vampires are masters of deception. They would have people believe that they are blood-sucking fiends. But that is simply not so.

Mirrors – How does a story like that get started in the first place? Mirrors reflect light. If something didn’t show up in a mirror, then it would have to be completely invisible, and everyone knows that that’s impossible. What a joke.

Fangs – Fake. Oh yeah. I just went there. Vampires do not have fangs. They do, however, kill dogs, take the canines (the teeth, not the dog), and sew them into the roofs of their mouths. Why? I have no idea. They’re probably just weird that way.

Blood-sucking – Once again, a lie. Vampires don’t suck blood, per say. They do, however, eat human flesh, and the blood contained therein. It’s kind of like eating a steak, I guess. I wonder how it would taste...

Coffins – I don’t even know where this one came from.

Bats – That’s ridiculous. Nay, it’s impossible. Look at the comparative sizes of Vampires and bats! What a stupid theory.

However, vampires are still highly dangerous. Think sadistic masochistic mass-murdering psychopath on steroids. Then multiply that by relentless DOOM.

Yeah, they’re that bad.

So let’s talk about how to repel them. First, there are the conventional methods:

Garlic – It does repel vampires, but only because they usually don’t like the smell. Don’t rely on it.

Wooden stakes – Have you ever stabbed anyone with a wooden stake? Those things are deadly! Vampire or not, if you’re on the receiving end of stake stabbing, you’re going to be hurt. Just make sure that you stab the vampire enough.

Running water – It’s only good for cleaning the gore off your stake. You did bring a stake, didn’t you?

Crucifixes – These things used to be powerful, but now they’re just everywhere. It’s the inverse crucifix law. The more crosses there are, the less powerful each individual cross is. Right now, all a crucifix is good for is being a makeshift stake. But if all the crucifixes in the world but one were to be destroyed, that one would be able to obliterate all the vampires who ever existed or even thought about existing.

Holy ground – Same deal as with the crosses. The more there is of it, the less useful it is. It would take some serious desecration to make a batch of hallowed earth strong enough to repel a vampire.

Then there are the less than conventional methods:

Prisons – Vampires can’t enter these babies of their own free will. No-one really knows why.

Rust – Rust weakens vampires. A vampire in contact with rust becomes as weak as the average three-month old. Believe me. I’ve done tests.

Cleaning solvents – A vampire is essentially a giant stain on society. Anything that removes stains works just as well against vampires.

Friendship and love – These, when applied vigorously enough, can redeem a vampire in no time.

Guns – Shoot the buggers. It’s not like they’re invulnerable.

Vampires may not be immune to bullets, but they are immune to billets. You have the third amendment to thank for that. Lousy bill of rights.

Well, that’s all I feel obliged to reveal for now. Good luck, and happy hunting.

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